The
Three mistakes of my life,
I,
Me and Myself!
Abdul Rasheed A.P.K
I can always
take care of myself, but still I want to meet a person who can prove that I
can't…
'Keep in
touch', that is what I told them. They were my friends, or 'just friends' as
Chetan Bhagath said! I always wanted to give them many names such as 'intimacy'
or ' soulmate' and in fact I gave them those names.
In this so called amateur or
immature story there are only three characters, 'I', 'She' and 'him'. The most
classic part is that 'She' and 'him' change constantly, but 'I' remains
constant!
As I am the eighth child of my parents I got
extra care and concern from my parents and siblings. This in fact made me feel
homesick always. Their limitless love always evokes compassion and emotion in
me. As my brother said, I used to believe everybody soon. Since I live with my
sisters, they made me raSHEed!
Till tenth standard I was a broiler
chicken! Reason is simple; I was a CBSE student in a prominent school, named
Progressive English School Wadihuda, Payangadi. Though I had studied there for
twelve years (including kindergarten) only my classmates and a few teachers
knew me. I was always interested in extracurricular activities like arts and
sports than my studies. Fortunately or unfortunately I was forced to put a
sudden brake for my extracurricular activities in tenth standard. I was always
perceived as an introvert by others. Sometimes I keep thinking about the reason
for that label ‘introvert’. Is it because I am raSHEed??... Being frank
I wanted to continue my higher secondary school education in the same school or
I can even say that I was kind of stuck with that school since I wasn’t much
aware of an outside world. However, my brothers made a decision of sending me
to a government school.
Thus I joined in Puthiyangadi
Jama-ath higher secondary school, which was next to my house. I used to go to
school by bicycle. It was funny to see me travelling by bicycle! It was a good
experience in all means and slowly I started enjoying my new school life. I was
a commerce student. Since my brother is a famous Malayalam writer, I became
quite famous among my peers in the new school. He came to my school for ‘fine
arts’ day inauguration and he literally ‘boasted’ about me, mainly about my
laziness and my obsession towards mirror. It was like peeling off my skin in
front of everyone. Audience had enough and more fun listening to my brothers so
called speech and as a result, I became famous in my school. Thanks to my brother.
In our class,
there were equal number of boys and girls. I tried my level best to be one
among the so called hand-some boys in my class. I always wanted to be rasHEed!
Five students in my class were from CBSE School like me and the rest were from
government schools. Those students who were from government schools in fact
bring life to our class. Being frank, they were that enthusiastic! .The seating
arrangements for boys and girls were separate in the class. (It was a common
rule followed by all schools!). I never used to go to the girls’ side. I used
to mingle only with boys and always tried to be with them.
One fine day a girl from my own class
approached me. Her name was Farha. As far as I know, she was the most notorious
girl in our class. Oh My God… I couldn’t believe first when she came next to me
(to chat with the most silent boy in the class.)… Since my classmates knew her
past, they had already explained me about her commendable adventures. For me
she was the first girl who approached me just to make friendship. Believe it or
not, I started liking her at first meeting itself and then we started
conversing during lunch breaks and other short breaks in between the class
hours. We shared our family matters, personal matters, studies, hobbies, likes
and dislikes and interests as well.
After a week,
another girl, Sharifa joined our class. Her name was there in the attendance
register even before her arrival and we have been expecting her. She was in Abu
Dhabi and that was the reason for her late joining. She was a short girl who
looks like a pumpkin! After two days of her joining, she came to talk to me
with her friend who is my relative. CBSE students always had an ‘attitude’ (In
our words it is called as head weight) that they (including ME) are one step
above the other students. But, we lost that ‘attitude’ soon after the first
term examination!
Sharifa was a
nonstop talking express! She proved that she can go on talking for a very long
time without a full stop. I could find time to listen to her. For me it was a
new experience that a girl talking to me continuously. Farha sounds arrogant,
but Sharifa was a very sweet girl! Sharifa shared all her stories with me, she
has got a boyfriend! 'He', was her brother’s friend. ‘He’ used to visit her
home (with her brother) often. Their love started from there! I tried my level
best to hide my shocked facial expression! How can 'I'? As we talked for so
long, things became clear. She has a boyfriend and she cannot accept anyone
other than him! But for me, friend and boyfriend didn't make much difference. Somehow
our relation became stronger. Our strong bond was reported to him by someone
from our own class. So, 'he' called me one day and shouted at me. He was
worried about losing her because of me. I tried to convince him saying that she
did nothing wrong (me too!) and I asked him to trust her and continue the
relationship. I even asked him to leave her if he can’t trust her. He cut the
call.
The very next
day I told Sharifa and her friends what happened. On hearing that she seemed
very upset. At the same time Sharifa’s naughty friends came up with the stupid
idea of finding the perfect guy for her. The candidates were me and her boy
friend. Except Sharifa, everyone voted for me! The result of the ‘poll’ made
Sharifa cry bitterly in front of everyone. I felt bad for her and I asked her
to be loyal to her boyfriend. I didn’t forget to promise her that I will never
interfere in her life.
Farha was
witnessing all these. From her angry face I understood that she got pissed
because of all these. I was the only boy from our class who has got two 'girl'
friends! Farha and I used to write personal diary. We used to read each other’s
personal diary. Her ‘personal diary’ was about me and mine was about her. Sounds
weird right..?? Two full diaries just to write three words ‘I love you’! The
diary was a proof for the depth of our love. Farha doesn’t have a boy friend.
The common opinion was that no one will like her as a girl friend except a fool
like me! She acts smart, but I loved her for that. I used to go near her house.
(By that same old bicycle!) We used to chat, telephoned, wrote diaries for each
other..., an immature love in all sense!
On the farewell day, I had a fight
with Farha, atlast I ran behind her to stop her and she stopped. Sorry, I said.
I don’t know why I apologised. I was sure that the farewell day will be our
last happy day together. "Keep in touch!" I said.
On the same day, Sharifa wrote in my
autograph, 'rashee, don’t forget this short girl'. I said the same words to her
also, "keep in touch". After the farewell day we never met each
other, neither Farha, nor Sharifa. Though I wrote diary for Farha,
I loved Sharifa more! May be because she had a boyfriend!
'I' as the first mistake walked away
from the scene.
Those two years in Puthiyangadi
Jama-ath Higher Secondary School gave me more exposure than the twelve years in
CBSE School! I have learned many things from there. I took an oath also, not to
repeat those ‘love’ mistakes.
...............................................
After a long period of utter
confusion, 'me' joined Payyanur College for my Bachelors Degree. A cool
campus just 14 km away from my home. Though I was a commerce main student in my
higher secondary school, I opted English literature as my main subject. Even
though I scored good marks in commerce subjects, I didn’t want to take commerce
subjects for my Bachelors degree and I never regretted for opting a subject
from the arts stream. The English department of Payyannur College gave me
enough and more freedom. They left everything for my choice. But I misused
that. My final marks card is the best proof for that!
There were only eleven boys in my
degree class. Seven of us together formed a team called 'team
nagamandala'(named after a famous puppet show performed by us). It was a team
combined of creativity, arts and sports. A perfect team! Team Nagamandala has
come up with a lot of creative and innovative programs for the department. We
produced short films, staged puppet shows and organized a jovial journey .We
got enough compliments and appreciations for all our works. But like study wise
we were backward scorers!
Besides our team there was one more
team in our class framed by three girls who called themselves as ‘Hi-Fi’. Posh
in all sense! Since they were from the same place(s) they always used to travel
together. This was the main reason for their 'team ship!' All three were
pretty, but I found one girl prettier than the other two. A village beauty
named Meena. No one tried to mingle with them as they stood away from everyone.
They seemed to be in their own world. However for me it was quite difficult to
take my eyes off from Meena. I was a back bench student, and she used to sit in
the front row with other girls. So it was easy for me to look at her. She got a
special place in my mind even before we start conversing each other. My friends
noted that. Gradually Meena and her friends started talking to us. How can they
avoid seven super stars! I tried to talk to Meena, which she didn't like. Since
she was a frequent visitor of 'girls’ room' I could not talk to her during
intervals or lunch break. Somehow I managed to find time to talk to her, but
later I came to know that I was irritating her.
Later things have changed. She
started smiling at me! Thank God. At least she realized that I am not an
irritating creature as she thought before. Thus our friendship started with the
normal ‘Hi- Bye’s. During those days I was not interested in talking to the
other girls in our class. One day Meena approached me asking the reason for
that. I said I like her! She paused for a while and then revealed a ‘fact’ that
was really shocking (for me). Even she has got a 'boyfriend!’ it seems. I was
shocked not because of hearing the word 'boyfriend' but because I came to know
that 'He' was her neighbour who used to go to her house for plumbing work.
Love……!!!! (sorry, I just felt that)
My friends were bothered about me
going behind her. One day her friends told me that she has got a boyfriend. “I
knew it before” I replied. They threw the next question (as I expected). “If
you know that why are you after her??...” There I gave them a long lecture…'I
consider her as my intimate girl!
‘Intimate’. The word means that,
‘more than a friend, but not a lover!' They said nothing. I started calling her
'intimacy'. The entire class simply adopted that name. I started hearing 'ahem
ahem' when teachers mention the word intimacy! I kept 'me' in the safer zone by
giving her the name ‘Intimacy’. Quite smart right??
We had a tour from the college when
we were in the second year of degree course. A five day 'jovial journey!’ She
was with me. Oh...no... Sorry... Throughout the journey I was with her! I was
the official videographer of the trip. Since I was always with her, you can
simply imagine whose face has faced the maximum number of flashes (or zoom in
& zoom out!) When we screened the video in our class, all the teachers and
students were laughing literally. Reason was simple; it was just like Meena's
wedding video. Only her face was there everywhere. Entire forty five minutes,
her face was shown. She was staring at me while watching the video. Both of us
posed for the photograph holding a doll! My hands were resting on her shoulder.
These were some amazing scenes in that! An explosive disc! Before the tour she
used to talk less to me, but after our 'jovial journey', things have changed!
On the returning day 'he' was there with Meena's mother to pick her! Everyone
called me and said, 'Rashee, come here, that's her hero!’ Since it was late
night, I couldn't see the face of her hero.
After the tour, as a result of the
screening of the explosive disc, my classmates came up with a rumour saying
that we are in love. Since we both knew each other, we didn't give our ears to
the rumour. Both of us valued ‘trust’ and that was everything for us (Not just
to Kalyan jewellers, we also believed in “trust”!) By the end of second year, I heard that, her
parents came to know about their relationship. Her parents gave her the first
and last warning; not to continue the love dhamaka! Meena seemed to be very
upset. She told me “Rashee, everything is gone”. I still had a hope that
everything will be fine soon. I consoled her.
2011 was our last year at Payyanur
College. Our team became the decision makers of the English department by then.
Teachers were so fond of us! From my poetry teacher, I got the name ‘most
notorious guy’ in our class. By the end of the second year degree course I got
a very bad image in our class for screaming at people, without any reason! So
for me the third year was the time to regain my spoiled image, a Kind of
‘reputation management’. In order to stay away from all the troubles, our team
decided not to participate in any political activities, programmes or
festivals.
Our team developed a habit of
visiting friends’ houses, because of that each friend's parents knew us. In my
case, especially "intimacy's" mother and sister knew me well! This
family visit gave birth to a strong bond between us, which we still keep.
Our first visit to Meena's place was
quite fun. There my friends gave me a special chair to sit. It was like a
'bride seeing ceremony!' I did nothing, but simply enjoyed those moments! My
hands started shivering when she gave a cup of tea! My friends noted that!
We tried our level best to attend
all five hours classes in the third year. During the time of college election,
we made a decision of not to participate in the election. Some of the political
leaders force us to be a part of the election and they even nominated one of
our team members to the post of department secretary. His opponent was a girl
from our own class. Somehow the election became a ‘prestige issue’ for us. We want
our candidate to win the election at any cost. Our campaign was successful. We
won the election with a commendable majority. After the election, we wanted to
sort out some of the conflicts aroused during election. I screamed at Meena and
her team like anything. As a result, many of them cried.
Election days passed so soon.
Gradually we forgot all the issues and problems. We became friends like before.
We continued our ‘intimacy’ conversations as well. One day a political leader
from our college proposed her but she didn't accept. I knew 'him' before. He
was my friend too! After that incident I couldn't talk to him like how I used
to talk before. 'He' knew about our intimate ship! He and his friend walked
behind them (Meena's friend had an affair with 'his' friend!!).
Love can sometimes generate confusion
too! So readers you don't have to give so much importance to the names given!
She used
to talk with him whenever they got an opportunity. Since he couldn’t’ enter our
classroom, he used to spend more time with her outside the class. Most of our college
mates came to know about Meena’s new friendship. She even told me, she always
used to tell me that their relationship will not end up as others think. It is
not easy when we think in terms of practicality. Her situation looked very
funny to me. For her outside the classroom
he was there her BOY FRIEND, in the campus he was there a political leader and
inside classroom, 'me (I was there)'. After I became aware of her new
relationship, I always tried to run away from her, you can call it as a self
imposed exile. Don’t know what made my classmates to notice all these things,
even they were aware of everything happening around us and within us.
After 2 months time, it was the time
for our University arts fest. My friends were compelling us to participate in
some programmes. I just couldn’t say no to them since they had some
expectations on us. We decided to take part in skit. The best part of our skit
was the late night practice sessions, something which I never want to forgetJ
The political leader, you can call
him as the hero or the villain, he used to co ordinate our programmes and he
always used to talk with Meena. I think she noticed when I looked at her while
they were having a conversation. She smiled at me; she came to class and sat
next to me. She told me “nothing is happening between us like you think” I told
her “you are only my intimate girl” you have the freedom to fall in love with
any person like every single individual. My friends did see this also. They
just told me one thing, this is the right time to express your love, I replied
them saying she is only my intimate girl. You can imagine what kind of response
they would have given to me. : P
We did
our best in our final show on stage. Don’t know what went wrong; we got only ‘A’
grade. Our performance was good. Problem was with the micro phone, somebody kept it offL I hope by now you know
what went wrong and how. Our entire college cried on our bad luck. If microphone wouldn’t’ have cheated us, we
would have won the prize. We were confident about our skit. Just because we
lost in the skit, we lost the overall championship alsoL (It was after many continuous winning we were losing the
championship). Bad luck, we tried blaming ‘luck’ for not being in our side.
Here we are coming to the end of our UG
College days, wonderful three years. I have my most memorable days in that
college. Meena was the girl who always used to get shouting from me. Out of
anger, I had the habit of shouting at her. And I have made her cry many times.
Now I really regret for making her cry. Sometimes she made me cry also. I did
tell her that. Out of her three lovers/boy friend, I was the one whom she was
least bothered! But I found nothing wrong about that, because she was only my
'intimate' girl.
She was very keen in her studies and
in our final exam she scored good marks also. In our group, except one, rest of
them were not so serious about the studies but we did manage to pass the exam.
In other words I can say that, we got what we deserve! On the last day of
college, the few minutes I spend with her were one of the best moments in my
life. Thanks to my friends for gifting us that wonderful moments. Though we
were talking, I could feel that absolute silence between us. I couldn’t say
much to her other than uttering these two words ‘keep in touch’. The answer was
just a smile, which again pulled me towards her. I could not resist myself from
falling in love with her. As soon as I realised am moving towards the second
mistake, I walked away from her. But let me tell you all something, my degree
college days were one of the fun filled days of my life.
I tried to convince my mind à never repeat the mistake again.
The endless support I received from
my parents only inspired me to go for higher studies. Mangalore came to my
mind, when I decided to go outside Payyannur for education purpose.
The brand name Aloysius had in
Mangalore fascinated me also to join the college like any other student for
post graduation studies. I feel proud to be an Aloysian. What I learned from my
previous experiences always reminded me not to get very closed with anyone/
fall for any person. I joined the department of Mass Communication in Aloysius.
We were only 15 students in the class, out of these 3 students (including me)
were from Kerala.
It wasn’t a good beginning for me at
Aloysius. I cursed myself for joining there. I felt choosing Aloysius was a
wrong decision till the day I bagged first prize in mobile photography. Winning
the prize was not the source of happiness. Involvement in small competitions
and events like mobile photography helped me out to forget my problems and run
away from the small worries and fears I had in my mind. Some kind of Positive thought was taking
birth.
During my early days in Aloysius, my
sole inspiration and strength was the lady lecturer in the department. She was
aware of my strength and weaknesses. She inspired me to move forward when I
lost the confident in me.
Two of my degree classmates were
also there in Aloysius but not in the same department. They were in the English
department which was next to my classroom. Even in their class, there were some
students from Kerala. Among them there was one girl from Kasargod, oh I forgot
to mention her name, and she is Shahana. Some of the students had to go to
Mangalore University for eligibility certificate that was the time I got to
meet Shahana. But on the first day of our meeting we did not speak much like
any other person. There is nothing wrong about it. Only our marks and Kannur
University came into our talk. Thank God!
We got our eligibility certificate, now we are qualified to study in St.
Aloysius College!
After that me and Shahana was not in
touch with each other. But I made sure that she was doing well. Through her
classmates I used to enquire about her, later I started doing it by myself, how
can I depend upon her classmates for all these and when we have equipments like
mobile phones which makes our communication faster and easy, why shouldn’t I
try talking to her. Like we say an idea can change our life, may be one SMS can
change our life too. Still I have not started the conversation here. I did not
know how to start and what to tell her. But I was not ready to give up the idea
of starting the conversation with her. Finally I decided to start my
conversation with her saying HI..... Thought it is formal. I did add my name as
well along with the message. And I was really surprised, she did reply saying
HI.......
Begin a conversation, this was
really, I would say a difficult task for me. But somehow I managed to overcome
it. We started chatting and everyday our conversation used to end with an
optimistic line “we will meet tomorrow”. But it doesn’t seem to be happening.
Let me tell you all something, I never thought I could understand a person so
well through messages and that too when it is a girl. Being optimistic, I was
trying to console myself; you will meet her one day. Yes it did happen. When I
see Tamil movie "Varanamayiram”, I never miss to watch the scene where hero
meeting his ever time love. Not so beautifully choreographed even our second meeting
happened from the train, while going to Kerala from Mangalore. It was the right
time to know more about her and share those moments which was impossible
through messages. I just cursed the Indian Railway, how can it reach so fast to
Kasargod. That was a very short time for me, couldn’t speak to her much. But I
was happy when she agreed to come in the same train while going back to
Mangalore. In "Varanamayiram"
if death was the villain, here it was her brother. On our returning journey her
brother was also there. Those unspoken words remained as unspoken only.
Train journey became a weekend
routine for us. Love gaadi! Looks like the train conversation did help us to
know more about each other and here an Intimacy took birth. She used to wait
for me in the college though her classes got over one hour before our classes.
Dropping her in the hostel became like a habit. The only problem was it was
very short distance for us to share our stories. I didn’t miss to tell this to
my ma’am and she was very happy to know that I got a friend to reveal myself
and to lend her an ear to listen to her stories as well. We became the daily
visitors of 'Ideal Ice-cream parlour’. Almost in every story we find Campus as
the nurturing ground for such relationships, but here it was not the same. We
hardly used to talk from college. I don’t know what made us so uncomfortable to
talk from the college.
“My fear” yes it happened again! Situation
is the same only people are different. She too had a ‘boy friend’ and they were
not in touch for a long time. He has made a comeback. Their relationship is
even stronger now.(Later you will come to know, what happened to them!) She loved him, she loves him and she will
love him. When I told this to my ma’am she asked me a question, which requires
an answer, still am in search of that answer. “Why are you always behind those
girls who have boyfriends.”? Since she
knows me well and the relationship I shared with Shahana, she told me, make her
not your lover, but she is your ‘soulmate’.
Yes that word did help me to be in a safer side.
Shahana and her boy friend hardly
meet, only twice in a month. But they are always on phone talking and texting
to each other. Network advertisements are perfect on saying ‘connecting
people’! At the end of 1st semester all the PG students are supposed
to go for a week long village exposure and we were with the MA English /
Economics departments. All the students are divided into several groups and send
to nearby villages of Mungdgodu (North Karnataka, near Hubli district). When we
(myself and Shahana) were put into the same group, I just didn’t get
words to express my gratitude and joy to God. Four days with her, was just like
the four best and beautiful days of my life. Spending every minute of my day
with her, just like a dreamJ. Shahana and ma’am always tell me that am a good actor because I
know how to suppress and hide my true feeling very well and it irritated them,
more than it used to hurt them. One day she just couldn’t control her, she
busted out which I was expecting from her much earlier. That day I realised how
much my words and actions have hurt her. Sometimes being too patient also won’t
help people when they are surrounded with people like ME. Thank god my sorry
did work with her.
After the village exposure camp, our
relationship became popular in the college, at least in the PG block where both
of our classes take place. As the nature of the relationship changed, we became
more comfortable with each other. We started talking from the college also. We
used to wait for the break time to see each other and talk. Even this became a
habit for us. “Made for each other”, when ever our friends saw us they used to
tell this to us with a naughty smile on their face. In fact even it brought a smile on our face
also.
'He' accepted my face book 'friend
request!’ Through her we both of them became familiar with each other. We both
loved a girl, but the only difference was she loved only himL He was the first and last MAN in her life. I started convincing my
mind, she is your soulmate not lover. But more than her boyfriend, I could
spend more time with her and am happy for that. Our relationship was getting
strong day by day in others mind as they gave the title COUPLE
Shahana’s MAN has started earning
now, yes he got a job. I phoned him to congratulate him. Ma’am instructed me
not to call him again. When 2 boys like the same girl, it makes the situation
difficult for the girl, not for the boys. This is one situation which makes the
entry of possessiveness easier. It might lead to a clash between you and
Shahana, Ma’am told me. After our second semester exam I along with my other
two friends visited Shahana's house. That was my last meeting with her since we
had long 2 month vacation after our semester exams. In between, I got a call
from her saying his family has approached her family with the marriage
proposal. Yes she is getting engaged to
him.....
Let their love sprout and brings
happiness around. I wish if everyone's dream come true and may all the lovers
live together happily. I still believe if your love is true, you will never
lose yourself, rather you will find your true selfJ
She said, pray for 'US'. I wish her
a 'happy (married) life. 'Keep in touch'! I again repeated those insignificant
yet significant words! 'Myself' as the third mistake, stood silently and
made a loud silence!
NB: Sharifa got married and
living happily now. She gave birth to a junior Sharifa alsoJ Farha gave birth to a boy child, obviously, living happilyJ
Meena is now perusing her Bachelor
of Education and will soon become a teacher. He went to Muscat, so the life is
going to be easier for them, but the sadder part is He didn’t even gave a call
to her after reaching there!! Now I often call her, her sister too!!
Shahana, as you know got engaged with her MAN.
Their marriage will be on next year. I hope she will invite me too, If am free
I will surely attend their marriage!
Only few months left for my PG
course to get over. Am busy with thesis! Enjoying the last days at college with
my classmates, soul support from teachers will surely bring the best out of me
in the final semester. No more playing with words and tongue, I promised to my
two best friends in the class. What
next??!! Hoping for the best, that’s all.
The three mistakes of my life, I,
Me and Myself, an immature story of a PG student ends here with a coma..,
